Navigating Parenting Challenges with Compassion and Understanding
"Parenting is one of the most rewarding yet challenging journeys you can embark upon. As parents, we want to do everything we can to support our children’s growth and development, especially when they have unique needs that require specialized attention. Navigating when to adhere strictly to behavioral plans and when to exercise flexibility can be particularly daunting. We're here to say that it's ok to give in at 2AM if it means putting your mental health first"
Understanding the Importance of Consistency
Consistency is a cornerstone of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA). ABA interventions are designed to modify behavior through the consistent application of positive reinforcement and consequences. This structure helps children understand expectations and learn new skills. For example, if your child has a goal of using words to request items instead of crying, consistently responding to their verbal requests and not giving in to crying can teach them that using words is an effective way to communicate. However, life isn't always so straightforward. There are times when rigid adherence to a plan may not be practical or beneficial for you or your child. Understanding when to be flexible is essential.
When to Hold Firm
Holding firm is crucial when:
- Safety is a Concern: If a behavior is dangerous to your child or others, consistency is non-negotiable. Ensuring safety is always the top priority.
- Clear Teaching Moments: When a specific behavior is being targeted for change, like teaching your child to use a fork instead of their hands, consistency helps reinforce the new skill.
- Public Settings: In situations where inconsistency might lead to greater behavioral challenges or aggression, maintaining the structure can help manage behavior more effectively.
- Consistent Routines: Daily routines such as bedtime, mealtime, and getting ready for school are crucial for providing a sense of stability and predictability, which many children, especially those with developmental challenges, thrive on.
When to Be Flexible
Flexibility is equally important when:
- Physical and Emotional Well-Being: If your child is unwell or exhausted, pushing them to adhere to a plan may not be reasonable. Understanding their state and being compassionate can sometimes mean giving in temporarily. When in doubt, treat you child how you would want to be treated in a similar situation.
- Parental Well-Being: Your well-being is critical, too. If it’s 2 AM and your child is having a behavior episode that is preventing everyone from sleeping, it’s okay to choose rest over adherence to a plan. Your ability to function the next day and provide consistent care depends on it.
- Unique Situations: Life is unpredictable. Special occasions, family gatherings, or travel can disrupt routines. In these cases, prioritizing the overall experience and minimizing stress can be more beneficial than strict adherence to ABA goals.
- Emotional Crises: If your child is experiencing a significant emotional event, such as grief or anxiety, showing empathy and providing comfort takes precedence over behavior goals. Letting your child feel heard and experience the feelings naturally demonstrates to your child that they are in a safe space with you.
The Perspective of the Child
Understanding your child's perspective is key to effectively managing their behavior. Children, especially those with developmental challenges, may not always grasp the reasoning behind behavioral expectations and interventions. To better view your child's lived experience and perspective, consider:
- Communication Barriers: Many children with behavioral challenges struggle with communication. They might act out because they cannot express their needs or frustrations verbally. Recognizing these barriers can help you approach the situation with more empathy.
- Developmental Understanding: Your child's cognitive and emotional development level significantly impacts how they perceive and respond to expectations. For instance, a younger child or one with developmental delays might not understand why they need to wait patiently or share toys.
- Stress and Sensory Overload: Children with behavioral challenges often experience heightened sensitivity to their environment. Loud noises, bright lights, or crowded spaces can overwhelm them, leading to challenging behaviors. Being aware of these triggers allows you to create a more supportive environment where your child will feel safe.
How to Tell if Your Child is Making Growth Objectively
ABA therapy takes time, it's not unusual for parents to want to see the data. But how do we differentiate between subjective and objective with progress? Monitoring progress objectively can provide reassurance that your child is developing positively, even if day-to-day challenges persist. Here are ways to assess growth:
- Data Collection: Consistently track specific behaviors over time. Use charts or apps to record occurrences of target behaviors, both positive and challenging. Look for trends and patterns indicating improvement. Many ABA practices have parent portals, your BCBA can help in creating tracking behavior worksheets, and parent treatment guidance sessions can be a great time to review data collection.
- Achievement of Milestones: Compare your child's current abilities to previous assessments. Celebrate small victories, such as mastering a new skill or reducing the frequency of a problematic behavior. While we may not see mastery of goals within a months period of time expanding the period of treatment and reviewing growth quarterly or even yearly can provide reassurance that your child is making progress.
- Feedback from Others: Teachers, therapists, and other caregivers can provide valuable insights into your child's progress. Regular communication with your support team ensures a comprehensive understanding of your child's development.
- Increased Independence: Notice if your child is becoming more independent in daily activities. Improvements in self-care, communication, and social interactions are strong indicators of growth.
- Emotional Regulation: Observe how your child manages emotions. Increased ability to cope with frustration, express feelings appropriately, and recover from setbacks shows significant progress.
Finding Balance
Finding the right balance between consistency and flexibility is a dynamic process. Here are some strategies to help:
- Set Realistic Goals: Work with your BCBA to set achievable goals that consider both your child’s needs and your family’s capacity.
- Prioritize Goals: Identify which goals are critical and which ones can be relaxed in certain situations. This prioritization can guide you when making decisions about when to give in.
- Communicate with Your Support Team: Regularly update your child’s BCBA, teachers, and other caregivers about what’s working and what’s not. They can offer insights and adjustments to the behavior plan that better fit your family’s needs.
- Practice Self-Compassion: It’s okay to not be okay. Parenting is a journey filled with learning experiences. Give yourself grace and acknowledge the effort you put into supporting your child.
Conclusion
Navigating the balance between adherence to ABA goals / programming and exercising flexibility requires both structure and compassion. Remember, it’s not about following the plan perfectly but about making informed, empathetic decisions that support both your child's development and your family's well-being. Parenting is hard, but you’re not alone. Reach out to your support network, seek professional guidance when needed, and always trust your instincts. Your love and dedication to your child are the most powerful tools you have.
If you ever find yourself in need of more specific guidance or just someone to talk to, don't hesitate to reach out to a BCBA or other professionals who understand your unique challenges. You're doing an incredible job, and every step forward, no matter how small, is a victory worth celebrating.
Because every child deserves support — and so do the adults who love them. Behind every child receiving thoughtful support is an adult working tirelessly to create stability, structure, and opportunity. Those efforts are powerful — but they also require energy, time, and emotional bandwidth. Caregivers deserve a system of support, too.
Summer vacations, spring break, or visits to relatives in the winter - it seems that there is always one special day or another coming up regardless of the month. “If I had to pick one take away that can have an affect on the neurodiverse populations we work with during holidays, that would be consistency,” shared Clinical Director Sumita Argianas, “do your best to maintain the routine and listen to your child’s input, everyone deserves to enjoy the holidays and with thoughtful planning, everyone can".
This is the second in our series on ABA in the daycare setting. To read our first post on in this series click here ! Choosing where your child receives ABA therapy is a personal decision, and one that often intersects with real-life needs: work schedules, childcare availability, commuting realities, and a child’s comfort in familiar spaces. For many families, daycare becomes the place where their child learns, grows, and now also receives individualized therapeutic support. This article explains what ABA therapy looks like inside a daycare day, what your child might work on, and why a daycare environment, with all its noise and energy and rhythm, may actually be one of the most effective spaces for meaningful growth.
This is our first article in our series on ABA in the daycare or parochial setting. You can read our parent's guide to daycare/parochial ABA here ! At Vilij ABA, we believe growth happens best in community—where children can learn, laugh, practice, and belong alongside their peers. Many parents and caregivers may not know that ABA services can provide additional support in the daycare and parochial school settings. Note: This article is for general information, not insurance or legal advice. For the most accurate and up to date information, reach out to your insurance plan sponsor for more information.
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